paige moss

Sometimes you go into robot mode, you know you don’t want to feel anything so you comfort your self with the things that make you feel safe. Like food or Tv or that one friend you call who never asks you how you are they just talk about themselves for an hour and you just pretend to listen cause it is keeping you from your own life. Ok on my second bowl of pasta and having one of those days its too late to call anyone and cable is now on the computer. Did you ever eat the Kraft pasta that came in a green box? You have to ad two cans of tomato sauce or one of tomato paste to a powder packet much like you used to have to do to the box macaroni before it got all fancy with the silver pouch of processed cheese. I always went the sauce rout because it is tangy and I like tangy. I am not a sweet girl when hard times hit it’s salt always salt. Well its really hard to find (the Kraft Pasta) and when I find it I always buy a bunch of boxes. My mom used to mail it to me when I was in collage. Ok why? Right that is the next logical question…well when I was young this was what I ate all the time. Box Kraft Spaghetti. To any normal person it probable taste like bad processed food. To me it taste like heaven, like I am eating a little bit of home or my childhood. So when I have a hard or stressful day that is what I want. That is what I crave when I am sad or feel frustrated. I am watching Gray’s Anatomy eating bad pasta and missing my smile. Work make’s me smile I love my work but for whatever reason Hollywood has all but given up on me. Not one casting director (well ok maybe 2) has stood by me (don’t get mad you know it’s true but you can also change it). I do not understand why and have grown tired of trying but please do not fear people because I don’t give up. (Talent will prevail!) Sorry remember I warned you about tangents…Well this all stemmed from an instant today at the gallery ( I haven’t written about it yet but I own an art gallery) a very talented but old artist tried to give us the runaround, made me laugh, what has happened to honesty. You would think an older more seasoned artist would have the respect and decency to be honest but much like Hollywood this artist is a coward, cant say something to our face. The funny thing is that when you are honest, the people you are honest too live they keep breathing they move on. Sometimes they even appreciate it. People with no balls no zest for life no courage all too often rule the world. Lets take it back. Be honest with one person today, and if you feel sad go find a box of Kraft spaghetti! I just did and I know I will feel better tomorrow…

Well here is a very personal and embracing story. I will tell the truth and be honest, so please no judgment. I do that enough for everyone. This is an edited story because it would be 100 pages long if I included everything.

This story starts about 5 years ago. I had been separated from my boyfriend, my series was over and I got some very bad advise. From a director and an agent. I was told that getting a boob job would help my career. That I could be perceived as older, be sexier, and go out for a different type of role. I am not placing blame on them, I take responsibility for my actions 100%. The idea that I could do something to get more work, being seriously as an older actor, be considered for more parts appealed to me. So I took the leap and I got Breast Implants.

I knew the day I went into the doctors office for surgery it was the wrong thing to do. I could feel it in my bones. But as I do so often I didn’t listen to my gut and I went forward with the procedure. The first of 5 surgeries to come. The first surgery the doctor decide to make his own decision about what size they should be. Appartently they have that kind of power when you sign on the dotted line. He almost doubled what I asked for, because as he put it most girls are unhappy and come back wanting them bigger. I was an A trying to go to a small C. When I woke up I was much bigger than a C. After trying to live with it, I couldn’t so I went back in and had them taken out and smaller ones put in.

I still just didn’t feel right. My body didn’t like them, It rejected them as did my mind. The right breast capsular contractor. Feeling so unhappy and vulnerable I should have had them removed and gotten my life back but I didn’t. So I went to a new doctor and he changed them from saline to silicon. The idea was that they would feel more real and I would mentally feel different about them. I could get my head around that and thought I had come this far so yes lets do it.

The third surgery went fine. But still they never suited me I still thought they were too big. I couldn’t dress my self. I had always been hip and edgy, and suddenly I was sexy and I just didn’t know how to act. I didn’t feel right in my own skin. I started putting on weight. I was not booking acting jobs because I had lost all of my confidence in the room. My boyfriend came back and we were now engaged. He was supportive of any choice I made. Then it happened again, right before my wedding the right breast capsular contractured again. So not know what I would look like if I took them out, I went under the knife again. The surgery was on the right breast, number 4 went fine and was fixed. I looked beautiful at the wedding despite the fact that I hated the implants.

As more time past, I just was not myself not booking jobs because I wasn’t my self. I wasn’t me. I felt like I couldn’t dress myself nothing fit. I put on weight in a way to hide myself. To shield my body from the public. Well It happened again and the right side of my breast capsular contractured. So I had had it I had the implants removed.

Surgery number 5! Glory Glory hallilula! I am happier than I have been in years. I am me! Back to normal and through a horrible time in my life. If you know anyone thinking about implants I would be happy to talk to them. They are right for some people and the make some people happy, I just wasn’t one of them. I am a hippy at heart and I let the pressure of Hollywood tell me that I wasn’t good enough. I caved, I was weak and stopped believing in my self. I am a strong independent woman and always have been. My advice to women, love who you are no matter what, love your flaws they make you special. Be an individual don’t buy the magazines.

We will see how Hollywood reacts to the new me. I hope it opens its doors and lets me back in. It has been hard putting on weight and trying to get jobs. Hopefully that will change with those damn implants out of my body I feel like a whole person again, I hope casting will see that and hire me, give me the chance to be what I am. A strong, confident, unique individual brimming with talent.

Hey guys, so far all I can figure out is an email address for your comments.

So you can email me comments, thoughts, questions and I will post them!

paige@paigemoss.com

Thanks! Happy Monday!

ok it’s hot right now in the desert. 110! I am not melting yet but I am close. Good day of writing! I’ll start posting some of the ideas but for now I have to catch you guys up on where I have been and why I was gone for so long.

I think I will get pretty personal so I will thank you in advance for just sticking by me and hanging in there.I am by no means gone or done or over. I just took a weird rout to get back to normal.

Long blog coming. I know I know its just a lot of gushing but I know its over due.

It’s Sunday so make sure you watch Scoundrels! My friends are on it and writing it so lets support it!

xop

oh and I guess I have to figure out how to let you comment… sorry working on it…

So I am not much of a blogger, (cant spell cause I am dyslexic, forget to capitalize and punctuation is not my strong point) but I would like to give it a try. I have interesting thoughts, wild ideas and absolutely boring ones. I can be wrong, un-P.C., outrageous and I can be if nothing else funny. I think the most important thing is to be honest. I will share with you my fans, my friends, my peeps, simply me. So love it, hate it, please comment on it and keep coming back for more of my crazy.

and p.s. thank you to all that care, it means a lot! You never know enough people tune in maybe I will get a show again or at least an audition for one!!!!!